‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

‘Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

“Must be Santa” thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
‘Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol’ Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

“Wow, the best Christmas ever!”
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

2. A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you’re still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.

5. Anything Garfield.

6. A remote control for the refrigerator door.

7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle.

8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that’s large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.

9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you.

10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel’s halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year.

11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight.

13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.

14. His own i-pets.com credit card.

15. A cat.